Today, I feel really sad. I don’t really know any other way how to start this blog entry than to just put it bluntly – I miss my mom. It has been 2 years that she passed away but I just cannot stop mourning. Nobody wants their parents to outlive their children, I am sure. The thought of any parent having to bury or burn their child is just so awful & bleak. Yet that doesn’t make it any more esy to lose your mom. My mom passed away two years back in a sudden heart-stroke. Yes, I know it has been 2 long years without her, but the feeling of bereavement is so intense that it’s virtually unbearable.
Watching mom die in my own arms was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever been throigh, though I am grateful for all the times I got to spend with her in the past 30 years. I haven’t been able to write so clearly about my emotions for her in my blog till now. Understandably, I am quite sad, which can also be a big motivation killer. That being said, having my work to concentrate on has been, shall I say, a welcome distraction.
Mom and I were close; although I have a elder brother but mom really and seriously loved me to the core. Because my dad travelled and worked when I was young, I spent most of my time growing up with her. We also shared similar personality traits, I believe including a little bit of sensitivity as well. I completely believe a lot of me is because of my mom. She was the most loving person I have ever known. She is perhaps the best example of “unconditional love” I have ever seen. There were times when she did struggle to make and keep friends but she never really complained about others and had always time for her family. There was this another amazing quality in her; she never pushed me to do things I really did not want to do. As a small kid, I was kind of shy, and a shy kid doesn’t really want to do many things outside by himself. However, there are times I wish she would have pushed me a little harder to do things; maybe I would’ve been a different person altogether, I don’t know.
The day she passed away, I was out working and came home a little late. As I entered the house, she calmly looked at me and asked me to have dinner. I had no idea what was to come. The night did seem to pass by pretty quick and as I was preparing to just work a bit on my laptop, my father called out my name and said there was something wrong with mother. I rushed out of my room, and could see her gasping for air, and she couldn’t really speak. I held her in my arms, while my brother called an ambulance. I took a glass of water and she had one sip before she completely collapsed in my arms. I wasn’t sure at all how to identify death, or I couldn’t believe that she was gone. So, I picked up her hand. It was lifeless, I looked at her face and she looked absolutely lifeless. At that very moment, it stuck me; mom was gone. Forever.
I am, to this day, still coming to terms with what happened. Mom was like that safety blanket growing up as all moms are. Ofcourse, as I grew older, I became more independent and in many ways I started to look after mom like she used to look after me. But, I can sense a change in my after she passed away. I know I am a changed man. She calmed me, when I used to get restless, she loved me without any condition whatsoever and she genuinely thought good about me no matter what the situation was. Since the day she passed away, I am having a hard time even beginning a new phase of life as mom ended her time on this planet. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and as I type these lines, my eyes are moist and these tears roll down my cheek. God, I miss her.
I am glad of the fact that she did not have to suffer and was gone in an instant. But, then again, on an personal level, I am sad that she would never be able to see my wife, or her grand-children as all she wanted was for me to get married to a nice girl. This, for me is one of the hardest things to come to term with, that I was not really able to make her happy. Or proud.
Seeing a loved one die infront of your eyes is the most surreal experiences I could ever have. I want to talk to my mom on days, and there are nights I just cannot sleep at all. I want to talk to her and tell her everything about my life that has happened ever since she left me because I would talk to her for anything in life.
You know, to wake up knowing that someone who was always there for you is not there anymore is about as devastating as life gets, besides facing your very own mortality. I cannot keep this a secret anymore, that I have thought about death a lot many times since she left me. I thought about death even last night; but I know she would probably like me to be happy. And I would like to believe she is watching me from above.
Everybody around me believes that I am a bad human being, for I hurt people and say things that I do not always mean. I think my mom’s death has changed me drastically, the entire experience has changed me. All I would like to say at this moment is that one should live life like it was the last day of their life and you may not have as many days as you thought, but that’s not what I really feel. I feel that death is perhaps more closer to me than I have ever felt before. I do not mean to count days, and all that but what I mean is that it is so real. It’s more present now, more solid than ever before.
Till death takes me into her arms, I would try and distract myself with things that I love – photography, a lot of travelling, writing and just be in love with the one woman that I have always loved, no matter she failed to understand and feels that I am the worst person in this entire world.
...in search of that perfect world. 