Covid Has Finished it All. Or Has it?

For the longest time possible, I have been someone who cannot help but look at the brighter side of life. Be it my failed relationships over the years, professional work life or anything else for that matter, I have forever believed, whatever destiny has in store, is mostly for good. So much so, that when Covid 19 hit the world by a massive surprise, I was, like everyone else all across the globe, shocked and after the initial shock died down, and the entire world went into months of lockdown, I was slowly prepared for what to come.

I knew, a lot of us would struggle financially, work-wise and a lot of other unforeseen events would happen. And that is exactly what happened – people lost their jobs, things turned real nasty. But, looking at the brighter side of life, I was glad that the lockdowns were being slowly being lifted and probably, maybe, we will start finding work and would be able to take care of our families and ourselves as well. The initial struggle did happen, no doubt. But, then work started to come, slowly but surely. I was hopeful and happy that although things could never be 100% same (pre Corona), but atleast even this “new normal” wasn’t something that we needed to curse.

And then, it happened! The 2nd wave hit the world and India and everything went down the drain. This wave has been absolutely terrible. It has affected everyone around me. A lot of my friends have been affected; either they were down with Covid or their families were. A lot of people I knew personally lost their lives. It is just sadness and a grim situation, no matter where I look – online or offline, all we get to hear on a daily basis are uncontrollable death and spread of the virus.

During the 2nd week of April, I also came down with a mild fever (99F), to which I suspected was Covid. Ofcourse, as expected, I couldn’t get the tests done because of the huge pressure on the entire medical system of the country. My tests, which I scheduled were automatically cancelled atleast 3 times, and I just gave up. Ofcourse, I had isolated myself inside my room from the day I started to feel feverish and instantly started with the recommended medicines that I had heard were working. I also consulted a couple of doctors online and they strictly suggested me to start meds from day 1.

Ofcourse, I am okay now (and hence I am able to post this blog tonight as I cannot sleep), and the fever abated after 4 days of being a constant 99F. I showed no other symptoms though. So, I am still confused whether it was indeed Covid or a flu. But, what concerns me at this point of time in my life is work. I’ve no work at all, and whatever projects were lined up were all but cancelled. So, practically, I have exactly zero projects in my hands and with the situation not getting any better in Delhi or in the country as a whole, it is only going to get worse from bad.

I am so financially broke that I am not even able to order a pack of coffee online (of which I am a huge lover!). I just realized as I went online onto Blue Tokai coffee’s website that I couldn’t even afford Rs.830/- for my coffee and a pack of filter paper! It is sad and depressing, but like I’ve said, I am someone who thinks positive and tries to look at the silver lining.

I have hope. Hope that things will eventually be better. Hope that the value of human life would be understood by a country who is, right now, seems least bothered. Hope that work will follow and so will some sort of financial stability. Till then, I am thankful that I and my loved ones and close friends are doing alright. And holding on. For that is all that’s required as of now. Ofcourse, apart from masking up all the time and properly sanItizing ourselves…

What Is Wrong!?

The world is changing as we know it. With more than 2 months gone in lockdown, it goes unsaid that things aren’t the same anymore and it won’t be same ever. Be it our mental health or the ‘health’ of the jobs that we have been doing, nothing will be the same ever again.

And since, in this blog post, I have decided to open up, let me give you a brief insight into my life right now, in May, 2020. I’ve no work (literally, ZERO), no money in my bank a/c and no matter how many phone-calls or emails I shoot, nothing seems to be working out. All I get as a ‘reply’ is either, “We’ll get back to you with work related query.”, or worse yet, no reply at all.

Frankly, I am not the kind of guy who generally discusses my problems with people, for I believe, everyone has their own share of issues and my issues are something that nobody would really be interesting in hearing. I don’t understand, whether to call it sheer bad luck or the fact that I’m cursed, but nothing seems to be working out in my favour at all.

Take, for example, the car window that was damaged for no apparent reason at all, when there were atleast 4 other bigger cars there parked right besides my car. Still, my small hatchback was targeted. For what? Next, I’ve been running pillar to post to get my Axis bank debit card to be renewed that expired back in the month of April, 2020. But, NOTHING has been done with regards to that either. The bank executives say, generally, they send a message or two well before a card expiration date (which, I agree to), but they fail to understand how I did not receive any message at all.

Plus, the fact that no new ATM card has yet been issue to my account is beyond even their comprehension. Earlier today, I paid my home-branch (which is a whole 20kms. from where my home is) a second visit in the last 7 days, and although I am generally a very optimistic guy, but here, I am absolutely hopeless! I know, for sure that I’d receive a call in a day or two mentioning that my ATM card couldn’t be issued because of some God forsaken reason!

I did not quite believe in luck or destiny before all this Coronavirus pandemic hit us all. Even then, I thoroughly believed in thinking ahead and thinking positive. But, I am slowly breaking down, to the point where I’m just letting everything go. It is not like I am losing hope or I am veering towards depression. Far from that, as a matter of fact. It’s just that strange feeling – the one where you stop arguing, or fighting for even what’s right. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of feeling I am having since the past couple of weeks or so.

I’ve no idea what the future holds for all of us, or for the entire mankind as a whole, but I really want all of us to be at a place from where we can look ahead and see a world where we can live and thrive. Right now, as I see it, every single day is such a massive struggle – right from pushing myself out of the bed to doing everything on a daily basis – every single task feels like an absolute chore, which I despise.

I’ve not had proper food for the past 2 and a half days now. There have been a lot of issues on the family front as well, that’s breaking me from within. But, you know what is the funniest thing in all this? That I cannot even show it to the outer world, for I know it is just no worth it!

Hallucinating…

Tonight, I tried it, but failed miserably at it. Am I a coward? Perhaps. I don’t know whether there is anything known as an “easy death”, but I think death is not really the end of the suffering. I understand and totally know that this brings with it a lot of unanswered questions & a lot of unsaid answers to the family, friends and whoever that might have known you, but there are moments when it all just gets a little too much to handle.

Things haven’t been too well. Life hasn’t been well, but then again whose life is? It feels like a struggle each day from the moment I wake up till the time I sleep, it feels like a chore… Don’t know how long this will go on for. I’m not even sure how long would I be able to hold on for.

Am I hallucinating?

Sad…Hopeless…Worthless…

It feels like I am drowning, except everyone around me is breathing. The pain comes in waves & keeps piercing my mind and dragging me down to the depths, almost choking me.

I don’t know or understand if this is how sadness or depression feels like, but this is exactly how I feel. I’m lucky that I have that ability to pen down how I feel, in words. But, this deep sadness, this deep sense of loss has hit me hard. If you meet me, I might not even come out as a person who can be or who is, infact, terribly sad and broken from within. On the contrary, you might feel, I am one of the most happiest persons you’ve ever met!

From what I know, depression isn’t something tangible. You see, when you’re physically hurt, you can see the injury, treat it and hopefully be done with it. But, it isn’t the case with mental hurt. It stays and buries deep down into your psyche, and then slowly hits you, takes you into its stride, grabs you and just doesn’t let you go.

I don’t understand it, nor do I wish to fight it anymore. I’m tired. All I seeked was companionship, love and a little bit of affection. But that shall never be the case with my life, with me. Never. I know now, for sure. I’m absolutely sure…

My fate, whatever be it, I am accepting it for this is how life is perhaps deciding to treat me…

Until we meet again…

I saw him cry…

Yes, I did witness him cry. Just now, moments back. He was looking at a framed family photograph when I was a kid, and just looking at that picture and speaking about when was this taken, his eyes went moist.

When you are young, you always feel your parents are absolutely invincible. For you, they are the “super-hero dads” and “wonder woman moms”. They can fix bruised knees, and any pain that you have with magical kisses. It’s like they make food appear out of nowhere and can turn the “evil monsters” lurking under the bed into whimsical fairy-dust. They are stronger than anything. They are invincible, immortal, untouchable. They just do not get hurt and their word is the law.

My dad has been an Army man and is physically fit even at the age of 70+. He is disciplined, organized, systematic, logical, energetic & sacrificing. I really have forever admired him for his intelligence & personality.

But after looking at his moist eyes, I wish I could just hug him. He started crying before even completing the sentence. My dad cried – the unbreakable, indomitable, rock-steady father that I envisioned to be a super-hero all my life had tears in his eyes. I felt it was more than just moist eyes – it was a painful release. I wished to support him, this time I wated to be the rock, the immortal, immovable, steadfast being. But looking at him, tears started to roll out of my eyes too inspite of all my efforts to control myself and support him.

I realized that my supr-hero dad is only human. An incredible, generous, loving, intelligent man. He has the same hopes & dreams, the same fears and drives and pains that anyone else has. He is a human, after all.

Frames from Sikkim || 2017

Sikkim has always been on my travel diary but somehow it eluded me for years.

Finally, during the month of June 2017, I finally could visit this amazing state. And what I saw literally blew me away. Sikkim is green, clean and all organic (the first & only state in this country!). It is so easy to fall in love with the place that one can’t help but marvel at the amazing natural beauty and the lush sub-tropical woodlands. Words will never be able to do justice to the place.

So, I present a few frames from Sikkim. I hope this gives you the motivation to pack your bags and leave. Sikkim is love. Sikkim is pure magic.

I failed. Again!

 

Tonight, I had slept early. Maybe I was tired or just wanted to rest, I am not sure. But, I fell asleep with the phone in my hand as is generally the case. If I am home, the phone is my friend and gives me constant company when I am not working. And then, an email notification suddenly woke me about 15 minutes back.

I failed tonight. Again. For the Nth time in my life, and each time I fail I lose a little bit of me. You see, a big project that I was working on and was absolutely sure I shall get to do, slipped through my hand tonight. Those 5 lines of email jolted me out of my peaceful sleep like an earthquake would! It’s not that such things haven’t happened in the past. Being in the creative industry, I have faced such failures time & again, but each time it happens, it feels like the first time. The result, essentially, is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, I fall back and go into deep self-critical role. And THEN, it becomes absolutely impossible and difficult to let go of all that negativity – the negative energy that I feel right at this moment about it all as I pen these words down (or rather, type this down).

As demotivated as I am right now, I think I need to boost my morale by building self-acceptance and through this blog post, I want to help everyone who has ever been through failure in their respective lives. I think, when we hold a negative perception of ourselves,  it is not surprising to feel lost, defeated and like a huge failure in life. Each obstacle, mistake or failure can seem like proof of what we already know, that we won’t succeed and that it is not okay. What we need to do when we feel demotivated or depressed is we need to learn to give priority to ourselves and value ourselves We need to focus on valuing who we are and NOT what you do.

During all these years working as a creative professional, I’ve also come to realize that when we look to our accomplishments for validations of whether we are “worthy” or not, our sense of feeling good about ourselves depends completely on those achievements of life, which, frankly speaking, is a little too harsh.

Yes, I feel terribly upset tonight, yes, I feel dejected & like I’ve failed big time but I also know that with self-acceptance and identifying the issues, I will be fine. I would, at this point in time, love to brag about having truly supportive & compassionate friends but truth be told – they are more like ‘acquaintances’ than friends; I have absolutely NO true friends whom I can fully trust or be open with about my issues. It’s not that I don’t have “friends”. But, those who really care are only a few (less than the number of fingers I have on one hand!). 🙂

At the end of the day, after some thought, self-pity and what not, I have come to realize that persistence is the key to anything in life, and each time I fail, I somehow motivate myself by different means after I am done feeling dejected. This time too, I need to do the same. I need to be persistent. With persistence, no matter what my goals are, I shall increase my chances of achieving them in life…

Passion Won’t Make You Successful in Photography

If you’re relying only on being passionate for being successful in photography, then, I’m sorry to break that bubble but passion alone won’t keep you in business. It is the harsh truth, but there you have it.

I understand the fact that this will perhaps come as a big surprise to some because we are conditioned to hear the word ‘passion’ everywhere. It is highly spoken of at speeches and on television shows and what not, basically it is everywhere. It promptly shows up at the beginning when an idea is generally discussed; it is extremely exciting and very shiny as all new things are but passion is the first one to get out of the door and run away when it comes to tough times.

Yes, we need passion for it makes you feel alive, brimming with some sort of purpose in life. We love passion and more than that, we really do need it. You would agree that just hearing the word makes you feel happy & motivated.

But, like I’ve said a while back, it’s a very strange thing. It is extremely powerful to start with but at the first sight of problems, it is the first one to vanish. Essentially, that sparkle that I talked about in the beginning, that wears off pretty quickly. It just wants to show up, makes you really happy and then go away.

Passion is a temporary thing but that is perfectly fine, as that is how it is really supposed to be. It is more or a precursor to something better that’s to come. If I can put it bluntly, passion is the seed from which something known as “dedication” grows. And trust me when I say, dedication, that is the real deal.

Dedication makes you continue trudging on when times are hard. Or stay up late till night when your body is breaking down and crying for sleep. Dedication is exactly what pushes you towards making yourself a better photographer, a better business-person and perhaps a better person, overall.

So, to all my photographer friends, there’s just one thing I’d say – Embrace passion with both hands but please don’t expect it to stay forever. For, you must always remember, “Passion is what makes you pick up the camera, but dedication is what keeps it in your hands.”