Asking For Love…

I should have held you tighter in my arms during your worst days to keep your pieces together. I should have held your hands longer to keep them warm in this rather cold world. I should have caught up with you, tried to walk side by side with you, just to make you feel that you will always have someone to walk this world with.

I should have tried harder to learn the art of finding the right distance, to make sure that I will not be too close to suffocate you and not too far to make you feel like you are alone because, my love, you will always have me.

I should have stared at your face a little longer that night when all we did was be happy, when all we did was be us. I should have ingrained every detail of everything you are into my mind and heart.

My love, with all the goodness that remains in my heart, I hope you find your way back to yourself again…💕

Broken…

I feel rejected. I feel numb, it feels like my sense of self and balance is absolutely gone. Life has its share of hardships but rejection and in-turn revenge are extremely hard to cope with. Since the past few days, I have been struggling really bad with anxiety and to some extent panic attacks. I am all alone and dealing with this extremely jolting pain all by myself is getting out of hand, slowly and I can feel it. And the worst part is, as much as I want to get it out, but I cannot even share with anyone. Anyone at all. I am broken. From within. Shattered.

I feel like I am caught up in the stormy brain chemistry of rejection and loss where I feel zero self-worth and I am almost on the verge of depression. I feel I am not needed, and I have no worth or value for anyone in my life. I already am having a lot of anxiety, a feeling of addiction and deprivation, plus an overwhelming drive to finish this life altogether. I want to combat the real emotional pain of rejection and loss, but the struggle that life has become is making it impossible for me to just hold on to life itself.

I feel like a needy fool. This ordeal is just gutting me inside out. I feel like I am going down the drain and I cannot help it. I feel rejected, sad and total loss of self-belief and love. I feel broken…

The Night Speaks to Me

As I was driving back home a while back, I could not control myself; this feeling of utter sadness hit me hard, I have no idea how or from where but I could feel a certain heaviness inside that beating heart of mine, so much so that I had to stop by the road-side just to let those emotions flow through me, eventually making my eyes moist. I stood there on the road-side, late night, all alone for a good 20 minutes before I could gather the courage to move again. It was suffocating, it felt as if it was hard to even breathe. I am sure you know that feeling. I got out of the car at the middle of nowhere and just stood there, almost feeling nothing, just looking at the road signs and the signals blinking afar. It was like I had gone completely numb.

I love her and think about her each and every moment but especially tonight as I sit on the chair right now staring at the blank wall. I cannot stop thinking of her, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things. There she is, constantly on my mind, no matter what I do. It feels like my soul is burning and I’m screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is just walking past me without realizing what I feel inside me, that I feel like I might die tonight. I look with pleading eyes all around; can’t someone stop this unimaginable pain?!

The world seems so distant today, and seems it is unaware that I’m missing the heart from my chest. That it feels like a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new and the wound still fresh with blood oozing out of it. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered, because somehow I think this sort of thinking might help, but I have truly realized one fact, that everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. Everyday I need to make a conscious effort to be alive. Each night I have to remind myself to fall asleep, and even then, it has almost been a couple of months that I sleep for not more than 2 hours each night, or shall I say each morning as I can only fall asleep post sunrise. What do I do all night long? I turn sides, I wake up, start working on the laptop. I try going back to sleep again and the same vicious cycle continues till I look up the wall clock to realize it is already 5:30 in the morning. Yes, that is how my nights have been since the past 2 months now, almost. I do not remember the last time I’ve had a proper “goodnight’s sleep” so to speak.

But, I don’t know what has hit me tonight. I feel like I can write the saddest lines, because it just makes me sad to think that I do not have her aroubd. To feel that I might not be loved, I might not ever have the previlege of her love; perhaps never.  I can hear this night, this silence speaking to me tonight and to hear the night whispering into your ears can be such an immense pain, something which these words cannot describe.

I just want this pain to end forever, as I feel tonight these might very well be the last lines I dedicate to her. And I want these emotions to touch her soul, like dew touches the green pasture…

The Last Farewell

It frustrates me that this is the only way I can convey my thoughts to you- not knowing if you will ever see this, but I had to give it one last shot. Chances are, if you are reading this, you understand the fact that I love writing my feelings down. 

I have the slightest bit of lingering hope that something will lead you to this site, your eyes to these words, and your mind back to what we used to be. I just want you to think back for a second to the way you felt that night I first kissed you. Remember how we lay together without really talking much? I remember thinking life could not possibly become any better for me than it was in that very moment.  I remember clearly how beautiful you looked and how those eyes had the most beautiful sparkle. I remember the way your hand felt in mine and how it lightly trembled because you were nervous.  It didn’t last but for a few minutes, but I want you to know I would go through the pain of you breaking my heart all over again just feel what I felt in those few minutes.

Although it seemed, at times, as if we were rock solid and nothing could divide us, the truth is, we were fragile. Every “I love you”, “I’m so happy with you”, “I’m in love with you” seemed to be another brick to the wall between us and the world. Little did I know, this solid wall would be broken. It’s okay, though.   We had our time, our moment in time where we shined, and I would not take anything in the world for it. For whatever reason, you saw it best for me not to be a part of your future, or perhaps it is me who feels unloved and so bloody insecure. I couldn’t have given you the world, my love, but, I swear I would have made you feel like the only person in it.  Our time came to an end long before my love did, but I want you to know that I am eternally grateful to you for giving me the best time of my life.

So, I guess this is my last goodbye. I will never forget the way you made my heart feel for the short time we loved each other. I lived – while you loved me. I have to do what’s best for me now. I have to focus on making the best out of what life has given me. 

I have to let you go.  Wow! That was the hardest line to type! Goodbye, beautiful.  Don’t forget about me.  If God decided to take me from this world, please know in your heart that you were loved with everything in my being.  I wish you all the happiness life can offer. We could not say goodbye to each other, but I am very bad at farewells. So, take this as my final goodbye…

I love you. Always.

– Me

The Final Goodbye – letting it all go…

Just wanted to tell you, if there’s anyone whom I’ve truly, and madly loved, that’s you.

As much as I’m absolutely breaking inside saying this, and crying non-stop but I wanted to let you know that  I’m stopping all sort of communication with you starting tonight. It might seem v selfish to you and maybe it is, but this just keeps hurting extremely bad somewhere deep inside my heart. I cannot sleep, cannot eat and certainly cannot really talk to anyone without these eyes getting moist all the time.

I’m just letting it all go. Finally. I think I should be the one who should back-away and vanish from your story. Maybe I should’ve known that I will never really get the happiness of having a family; I’ve no idea what was I even thinking!? Gosh. This is just so painful.

It hurts, terribly. Yes. But, I need to stop all this before it kills me. I cannot keep going like this, inspite of knowing that there is absolutely no future for “us” simply because you’re scared to take a concrete step. I am not blaming anyone in this, it is ofcourse a conscious choice that you’ve made and I wish you all the very best for it. You shall never ever hear another word from me.

I know I want you & I need you terribly, but you have your life and I think all I am being is an hindrance, and this even a blind man can see. This shall be my last letter to you.

I need to go, just vanish, forever from your life. You’ll never hear from me. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate on anything that I do. Nothing seems to be doing any good at all, I’ve become like a dead soul. And I don’t want to confuse things any-more than they already are.

I do not want my mind to imagine now that there will not be any “you and I” anymore because it just hurts me bad and I can feel a certain pain tonight as I say all this to you, because I imagined you different, because I thought you and I will be different. Worse, I feel helpless, unprotected & just plain forgotten tonight.

You know, we all have memories; some that we would love to keep alive forever and some that we would rather forget.  As I type these lines tonight with these tears that just do not seem to stop, I want you to know that the memories that I made with you will always be looked at with fondness. As I was thinking about all the past memories that we have made, so much comes to my mind and it brings me sorrow and pleasure all at the same time.

There have been so many positive memories that you’ve given me, that I shall always smile when I’ll remember you. Even with that there are still tears when I miss you and I smile within myself when something reminds me of you. I still find myself longing to feel you and I always reach for you but I know I will never feel that in this lifetime. And that just breaks my heart. Again & again. And again.

Please do not think or feel that I’m blaming you in anyway, it is not at all your fault, you live your life. If there’s one thing that I wish you’d pray for me, if you can; that would be love. Please pray somebody, someday loves me so much that I forget how much a heart-break hurts. I cannot write anymore, I’m in a v bad condition. I loved you with all my heart & soul and I shall always do, but this is where it all ends for me.

Please do not think I’m being tragic or melodramatic. There is a need to turn the page to continue, no matter if the ending is happy or sad…

Thank you, for all you were to me, thank you for giving me the strength to continue along this path that has become my life’s lonely journey it seems. Thank you for being my strength.

But most of all thank you for loving me with an honest and pure heart…. 🙂

Goodbye. Forever yours…