What Is Wrong!?

The world is changing as we know it. With more than 2 months gone in lockdown, it goes unsaid that things aren’t the same anymore and it won’t be same ever. Be it our mental health or the ‘health’ of the jobs that we have been doing, nothing will be the same ever again.

And since, in this blog post, I have decided to open up, let me give you a brief insight into my life right now, in May, 2020. I’ve no work (literally, ZERO), no money in my bank a/c and no matter how many phone-calls or emails I shoot, nothing seems to be working out. All I get as a ‘reply’ is either, “We’ll get back to you with work related query.”, or worse yet, no reply at all.

Frankly, I am not the kind of guy who generally discusses my problems with people, for I believe, everyone has their own share of issues and my issues are something that nobody would really be interesting in hearing. I don’t understand, whether to call it sheer bad luck or the fact that I’m cursed, but nothing seems to be working out in my favour at all.

Take, for example, the car window that was damaged for no apparent reason at all, when there were atleast 4 other bigger cars there parked right besides my car. Still, my small hatchback was targeted. For what? Next, I’ve been running pillar to post to get my Axis bank debit card to be renewed that expired back in the month of April, 2020. But, NOTHING has been done with regards to that either. The bank executives say, generally, they send a message or two well before a card expiration date (which, I agree to), but they fail to understand how I did not receive any message at all.

Plus, the fact that no new ATM card has yet been issue to my account is beyond even their comprehension. Earlier today, I paid my home-branch (which is a whole 20kms. from where my home is) a second visit in the last 7 days, and although I am generally a very optimistic guy, but here, I am absolutely hopeless! I know, for sure that I’d receive a call in a day or two mentioning that my ATM card couldn’t be issued because of some God forsaken reason!

I did not quite believe in luck or destiny before all this Coronavirus pandemic hit us all. Even then, I thoroughly believed in thinking ahead and thinking positive. But, I am slowly breaking down, to the point where I’m just letting everything go. It is not like I am losing hope or I am veering towards depression. Far from that, as a matter of fact. It’s just that strange feeling – the one where you stop arguing, or fighting for even what’s right. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of feeling I am having since the past couple of weeks or so.

I’ve no idea what the future holds for all of us, or for the entire mankind as a whole, but I really want all of us to be at a place from where we can look ahead and see a world where we can live and thrive. Right now, as I see it, every single day is such a massive struggle – right from pushing myself out of the bed to doing everything on a daily basis – every single task feels like an absolute chore, which I despise.

I’ve not had proper food for the past 2 and a half days now. There have been a lot of issues on the family front as well, that’s breaking me from within. But, you know what is the funniest thing in all this? That I cannot even show it to the outer world, for I know it is just no worth it!

Hallucinating…

Tonight, I tried it, but failed miserably at it. Am I a coward? Perhaps. I don’t know whether there is anything known as an “easy death”, but I think death is not really the end of the suffering. I understand and totally know that this brings with it a lot of unanswered questions & a lot of unsaid answers to the family, friends and whoever that might have known you, but there are moments when it all just gets a little too much to handle.

Things haven’t been too well. Life hasn’t been well, but then again whose life is? It feels like a struggle each day from the moment I wake up till the time I sleep, it feels like a chore… Don’t know how long this will go on for. I’m not even sure how long would I be able to hold on for.

Am I hallucinating?

Why Am I Unhappy?

Why do you think it‰’s like that? It‰’s because the majority of people on this planet don‰’t understand the psychology behind happiness. People believe that happiness is acquired from gaining things and that happiness is directly correlated with what they do in their lives. They feel that happiness is just like the other cause and effects in this world, and that a certain thing that they acquire or gain will in effect bring them happiness. They are so wrong. Happiness is something which is not quantifiable. You can be the richest person on earth or the poorest yet your levels of happiness could be the same. The reason why? Happiness is a mentality it isn‰’t something which can be bought or purchased, it‰’s something which must be learnt and cultured; it‰’s all in your head.

This takes us to the question of the article: You are not happy in your life, only because you choose to be unhappy. It isn‰’t because of your failures or because of your losses, you are unhappy because of your perspective. You are unhappy because you are looking at life with the wrong lens. You must grasp the concept that happiness is a mentality and that only you have control over whether you are happy or not. So what now? Well it‰’s time to bring a revolution in your life. You must prioritize and put happiness at the top of your list. You must realize that knowingly or unknowingly the thing that drives everybody in life is the pursuit for true happiness. This is now your moment to take control of your life. Change your perception and look at life with a big perspective. Realize what makes you happy and pursue it.

Understand the phycology of happiness, understand your psychology and before you know it you will be happy again.

Love is a Myth…

I did not fall for you all at once. Nor did I fall for you gradually. Rather, I fell for all the little things. Like the way you laughed mid kiss sometimes, and looked at me like you can’t believe what is happening. Or the way you reached over in your sleep and pulled me closer, like you cannot have enough of me. Or simply the way you looked at me when we laughed; laughing with you was my favorite activity.  But what you did not know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.

Tonight, what I so badly wanted you to see is that I am the guy who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The guy who cherishes any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near you.

I guess no word I say is good enough now because I could see tonight how much you hate me. I should’ve known…I’m not important enough to warrant a simple, quick text in a day saying you’re missing me or how much you love me. Rather, I guess it is ok to call once in a day in 3-4 days and eventually hanging up without even sorting anything out because you completely believe I am a bad human being. I now know I’m not important enough to stick around and wonder where this is going, because the answer is clearly a resounding “nowhere.” It echoes off the walls built by the silence you have placed between us quite a while ago.

I’m done waiting for a response, convincing myself that somewhere, even in the far back of your mind is a thought of me that will ring through as if someone is really missing the most loved person of their lives. But, I know I am not missed. I am not loved. I am just hated. Utterly despised. Maybe I am a bad human being after all who deserves to be hated by the one he loves the most. You deserve to be happy & so do I. Waiting around for something to never happen only promotes the stagnation of life, progression—it halts the future and what it has in store.

I have believed, for most of my life that the most important kind of love is the kind we most often neglect: self love. I gave that up too in my desperate search for love from you, and I lost the sight of who I am and what makes me happy. So instead of sitting around waiting for a text or a loving phone-call from you that will probably never ever come, I choose myself today.

I choose to wake up and remind myself that I am strong, and worthy of being loved the way I wanted to love you. Someday, I will get that kind of love from another person, someone who’d allow me to love them. Someone who would really accept me. And love me from their heart & soul.

All I can say is, I love you but I love myself enough to just walk away from the disrespect, the distrust and the hatred & bitterness that you have towards me.

Yes, I guess I am the worst human being you have ever known in your life. If that gives you peace & happiness, then, please be happy. God bless. 🙂