What Is Wrong!?

The world is changing as we know it. With more than 2 months gone in lockdown, it goes unsaid that things aren’t the same anymore and it won’t be same ever. Be it our mental health or the ‘health’ of the jobs that we have been doing, nothing will be the same ever again.

And since, in this blog post, I have decided to open up, let me give you a brief insight into my life right now, in May, 2020. I’ve no work (literally, ZERO), no money in my bank a/c and no matter how many phone-calls or emails I shoot, nothing seems to be working out. All I get as a ‘reply’ is either, “We’ll get back to you with work related query.”, or worse yet, no reply at all.

Frankly, I am not the kind of guy who generally discusses my problems with people, for I believe, everyone has their own share of issues and my issues are something that nobody would really be interesting in hearing. I don’t understand, whether to call it sheer bad luck or the fact that I’m cursed, but nothing seems to be working out in my favour at all.

Take, for example, the car window that was damaged for no apparent reason at all, when there were atleast 4 other bigger cars there parked right besides my car. Still, my small hatchback was targeted. For what? Next, I’ve been running pillar to post to get my Axis bank debit card to be renewed that expired back in the month of April, 2020. But, NOTHING has been done with regards to that either. The bank executives say, generally, they send a message or two well before a card expiration date (which, I agree to), but they fail to understand how I did not receive any message at all.

Plus, the fact that no new ATM card has yet been issue to my account is beyond even their comprehension. Earlier today, I paid my home-branch (which is a whole 20kms. from where my home is) a second visit in the last 7 days, and although I am generally a very optimistic guy, but here, I am absolutely hopeless! I know, for sure that I’d receive a call in a day or two mentioning that my ATM card couldn’t be issued because of some God forsaken reason!

I did not quite believe in luck or destiny before all this Coronavirus pandemic hit us all. Even then, I thoroughly believed in thinking ahead and thinking positive. But, I am slowly breaking down, to the point where I’m just letting everything go. It is not like I am losing hope or I am veering towards depression. Far from that, as a matter of fact. It’s just that strange feeling – the one where you stop arguing, or fighting for even what’s right. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of feeling I am having since the past couple of weeks or so.

I’ve no idea what the future holds for all of us, or for the entire mankind as a whole, but I really want all of us to be at a place from where we can look ahead and see a world where we can live and thrive. Right now, as I see it, every single day is such a massive struggle – right from pushing myself out of the bed to doing everything on a daily basis – every single task feels like an absolute chore, which I despise.

I’ve not had proper food for the past 2 and a half days now. There have been a lot of issues on the family front as well, that’s breaking me from within. But, you know what is the funniest thing in all this? That I cannot even show it to the outer world, for I know it is just no worth it!

Broken…

I feel rejected. I feel numb, it feels like my sense of self and balance is absolutely gone. Life has its share of hardships but rejection and in-turn revenge are extremely hard to cope with. Since the past few days, I have been struggling really bad with anxiety and to some extent panic attacks. I am all alone and dealing with this extremely jolting pain all by myself is getting out of hand, slowly and I can feel it. And the worst part is, as much as I want to get it out, but I cannot even share with anyone. Anyone at all. I am broken. From within. Shattered.

I feel like I am caught up in the stormy brain chemistry of rejection and loss where I feel zero self-worth and I am almost on the verge of depression. I feel I am not needed, and I have no worth or value for anyone in my life. I already am having a lot of anxiety, a feeling of addiction and deprivation, plus an overwhelming drive to finish this life altogether. I want to combat the real emotional pain of rejection and loss, but the struggle that life has become is making it impossible for me to just hold on to life itself.

I feel like a needy fool. This ordeal is just gutting me inside out. I feel like I am going down the drain and I cannot help it. I feel rejected, sad and total loss of self-belief and love. I feel broken…

All I Ever Need is a Little Love…

First of all thanks for taking the time to read this post. I come out as a very social, happy & outgoing person on the outside but on the inside, it is a completely different ball game altogether. I am currently really struggling a lot with recurrent depression. At the moment I’m finding it extremely hard trying to cope with the feelings of loneliness and isolation I am experiencing. This is really sad as I am quite a social person who has lots of “friends” but I feel very alone and unwanted.

I really struggle with a long-held belief that I will be alone forever, and that nobody could ever really love me for who I am. I really want love & affection. It just makes me very sad that I am so alone. I don’t want to be alone. I mean, who in their right mind enjoys being lonely. Right?

There have been days in the past week or so where I’ve had extreme struggle with sleeping, eating or anything in general. I’m losing interest in everything, by the day & I can feel it. I write down these things here don’t know why. But maybe because I want to get these feelings out but sadly there is not a single person right now with whom I can speak about it.

I just want to be heard, loved and feel cared for. Which, like I am realizing now is very hard, I guess. Tears are rolling down my eyes as I type these words, I feel a deep sense of disappointment & feel like a failure when it comes to my personal life.

All I need is a little love…

I saw him cry…

Yes, I did witness him cry. Just now, moments back. He was looking at a framed family photograph when I was a kid, and just looking at that picture and speaking about when was this taken, his eyes went moist.

When you are young, you always feel your parents are absolutely invincible. For you, they are the “super-hero dads” and “wonder woman moms”. They can fix bruised knees, and any pain that you have with magical kisses. It’s like they make food appear out of nowhere and can turn the “evil monsters” lurking under the bed into whimsical fairy-dust. They are stronger than anything. They are invincible, immortal, untouchable. They just do not get hurt and their word is the law.

My dad has been an Army man and is physically fit even at the age of 70+. He is disciplined, organized, systematic, logical, energetic & sacrificing. I really have forever admired him for his intelligence & personality.

But after looking at his moist eyes, I wish I could just hug him. He started crying before even completing the sentence. My dad cried – the unbreakable, indomitable, rock-steady father that I envisioned to be a super-hero all my life had tears in his eyes. I felt it was more than just moist eyes – it was a painful release. I wished to support him, this time I wated to be the rock, the immortal, immovable, steadfast being. But looking at him, tears started to roll out of my eyes too inspite of all my efforts to control myself and support him.

I realized that my supr-hero dad is only human. An incredible, generous, loving, intelligent man. He has the same hopes & dreams, the same fears and drives and pains that anyone else has. He is a human, after all.

Himalayas on a Triumph Street Triple

 

Ever since I can remember, I have forever been in love with travelling. And it was but
natural that the bug bit even harder once I was introduced to motorcycling. This was
many years back. I have been riding motorcycles for more than a decade now and it’s
really hard to believe I’ve been doing anything that long; many other hobbies have
come and gone by but this is one passion which has remained ever since I was introduced to it. Why, you ask? I don’t really know. There’s a clairty in the entire
experience perhaps, a richness that accumulates.

So, you can imagine when travel & motorcycle came together, my happiness knew no
bounds. I have also been touring on motorcycles for half of my life now! And trust me,
there is nothing better than touring on 2-wheels. And when this winter I got an
opportunity to visit the Himalayas yet again and that too on one of the most amazing
motorcycles (read cult!) ever, I, ofcourse couldn’t have let this pass by.

 

 

 

 

So, on an usual winter morning in the Capital which, for your reference is really cold
& foggy (or smog, whatever you want to refer it by), I along with my colleague
Krishnendu Kes (who was on a KTM Duke 390) started off for a beautiful destination
in the Himalayas, Chail. Now, before I move ahead with the travelogue, I would love to
let you know how much am I in love with the Himalayas. Probably, you are too if you
love travelling even half as much as I do. You see, Himalayas humble you. You almost
feel like a speck of dust in this vast expanse; the Himalayas make you feel the silence.
Like that is perhaps the ultimate truth. All else is pointless noise.

Anyhow, without getting into the philosophical side of things, let me continue. Well, it
as really cold and we kept riding at a decent pace because we wanted to reach our
destination (Chail) before nightfall as neither of us wanted to ride in the hills during
night. Not that we are inexperienced but because there’s no use torturing your body
because of the cold. And once the sun goes down, temperatures can drop pretty
drastically.

I was riding the Triumph Street Triple S and was having a gala time. That 765cc 3-
cylinder motor has all the power & torque that you could ever need. Overaking was a
breeze and maintaining three digit speeds almost became a joke. Also, the fact that the
seat was comfortable, the riding posture was not sporty (unlike litre class superbikes)
meant that I was pretty relaxed on the highway as we sped towards the hills which was
a couple of hundred kilometres away.

Eventually, we did hit the hilly section and realized that for a good few kilometres, the
roads weren’t ideal. There was construction work going on and also the fact that there
had been landslides earlier meant that many sections of the road was in pathetic
condition. I feared the worst simply because big bikes like the Street Triple S aren’t
really meant to handle bad roads efficiently. But boy, was I proven wrong and how!
The suspension took all the potholes and bad roads in its stride and this did take me
by surprise. I played with the torque curve on the hilly section keeping the motorcycle
on 3rd gear and playing with the curvaceous roads.

 

Also, the fact that the Street Triple S has two ‘riding modes’ meant that I could actually
put it on the two different modes and feel the difference outrightly. So, to name them,
the modes are ‘Road’ and ‘Rain’. Now, as the name suggests, the ‘Road’ mode is meant
for the road and gives you full 112bhp of power on tap. But the interesting bit here is
that the ‘Rain’ mode doesn’t really cut power in any way but rather dials down the
response of the throttle so as to prevent wheel-spins. However, with ABS and
traction-control, I was really confident riding the motorcycle on the hilly roads and on
extremely bad patches of roads that we encountered in between.

Finally, after more than 8 hours of constant riding, taking breaks in between for
pictures and ofcourse to fuel up the motorcycles and our respective tummies, we
reached Chail just after sunset, the total distance covered being a shade over 400kms.

I wasn’t really exhausted. Tired yes, but not exhausted. Maybe it was the motorcycle
which helped me relax in way of the sitting posture or the overall experience which
took care of me.

Now, Chail is an amazing destination in itself. And since we were at such a quaint
little town up in the Himalayas, we wanted to stay at the best possible property that the
place had to offer – the Palace, Chail. And we got lucky as we got great prices and
discounts because the ‘season’ hadn’t started yet. Happy, we checked into our comfy
log-hut and after having a sumptous dinner crashed for the night.

The next day was pretty uneventful as we explored the surroundings and I mostly kept
taking photographs of the Street Triple S. She’s such a looker, I tell you. No matter what
angle you look at her from, you cannot get enough of her. Whether it be that small
bikini fairing or those thick Showa 41mm front USD forks, everything is just so
beautiful and high-quality. This particular Street Triple S that I was riding had a few
extra bits added to it, namely, a Triumph branded rear seat cowl which I thought made
the entire motorcycle look even sexier, an Arrow after-market exhaust which ofcourse
meant the motorcycle sounded out of this world, and a quick-shifter. Now, this quick-
shifter works during upshifts, so, no auto-blipping down-shifting shenanigans here!
But, I didn’t really miss the auto-downshifts as I was too busy in enjoying the
motorcycle and the ride, overall.

After spending two quiet days in the lap of the Himalayas, the 3rd day came when we
had to ride more than 400kms. back home to the Capital. You see, when you enjoy
something in life, it becomes really tough to let go of it. You get attached to it
emotionally and in ways that you cannot really describe. That is exactly what had
happened to me. I got attached with the Street Triple So. So much so that while riding
back to Delhi, I could not help but feel a sense of sadness because I knew once I was
home, she shall go back to Triumph India. That, really made my heart break.

Eventually though, we rode back to Delhi. The ride back was non-stop. We were tired
but the motorcycles did not even budge. It was as if the machines could go on forever.

I have been in love a few times now and I can safely say, what I felt for the Triple S was
nothing short of pure, unabashed love. I sure hope she and I would be able to get back
together for one more adventure, very soon. Till then, the memories shall suffice…

Motorcycle: Triumph Street Triple S
Total distance covered: 900kms.
Fuel efficiency: 23km/litre (highway run mostly)

Life & its Existence

 

Life is hard. It includes physical pain, mental pain, hatred, anxiety, disappointment. Life’s problems are so significant that we all try to just avoid them. But just these words cannot convey the pure depth & intensity of what I want to say.

Of course the above does not describe all of human life. There is love, friendship, honor, knowledge, play, beauty, pleasure, creative work, and a thousand other things that make life, at least sometimes, worthwhile, and at other times pure bliss.

We seek health and vitality, friends and mates, pleasure and happiness. Our desires appear unlimited. And presuming that we fulfill these desires, we still face philosophical concerns: What is real? What can we know? What should we do? What can we hope for? And, most importantly, what is the meaning of life in a world that contains so much suffering? This is the central philosophical question of human life. Fortune may shine upon us but we ultimately suffer and perish, raising the question of the point of it all. If all our hopes, plans, longings, and love ultimately vanish, then what does it all mean? And this question penetrates to the core of the human existence…

 

Frames from Sikkim || 2017

Sikkim has always been on my travel diary but somehow it eluded me for years.

Finally, during the month of June 2017, I finally could visit this amazing state. And what I saw literally blew me away. Sikkim is green, clean and all organic (the first & only state in this country!). It is so easy to fall in love with the place that one can’t help but marvel at the amazing natural beauty and the lush sub-tropical woodlands. Words will never be able to do justice to the place.

So, I present a few frames from Sikkim. I hope this gives you the motivation to pack your bags and leave. Sikkim is love. Sikkim is pure magic.

I failed. Again!

 

Tonight, I had slept early. Maybe I was tired or just wanted to rest, I am not sure. But, I fell asleep with the phone in my hand as is generally the case. If I am home, the phone is my friend and gives me constant company when I am not working. And then, an email notification suddenly woke me about 15 minutes back.

I failed tonight. Again. For the Nth time in my life, and each time I fail I lose a little bit of me. You see, a big project that I was working on and was absolutely sure I shall get to do, slipped through my hand tonight. Those 5 lines of email jolted me out of my peaceful sleep like an earthquake would! It’s not that such things haven’t happened in the past. Being in the creative industry, I have faced such failures time & again, but each time it happens, it feels like the first time. The result, essentially, is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, I fall back and go into deep self-critical role. And THEN, it becomes absolutely impossible and difficult to let go of all that negativity – the negative energy that I feel right at this moment about it all as I pen these words down (or rather, type this down).

As demotivated as I am right now, I think I need to boost my morale by building self-acceptance and through this blog post, I want to help everyone who has ever been through failure in their respective lives. I think, when we hold a negative perception of ourselves,  it is not surprising to feel lost, defeated and like a huge failure in life. Each obstacle, mistake or failure can seem like proof of what we already know, that we won’t succeed and that it is not okay. What we need to do when we feel demotivated or depressed is we need to learn to give priority to ourselves and value ourselves We need to focus on valuing who we are and NOT what you do.

During all these years working as a creative professional, I’ve also come to realize that when we look to our accomplishments for validations of whether we are “worthy” or not, our sense of feeling good about ourselves depends completely on those achievements of life, which, frankly speaking, is a little too harsh.

Yes, I feel terribly upset tonight, yes, I feel dejected & like I’ve failed big time but I also know that with self-acceptance and identifying the issues, I will be fine. I would, at this point in time, love to brag about having truly supportive & compassionate friends but truth be told – they are more like ‘acquaintances’ than friends; I have absolutely NO true friends whom I can fully trust or be open with about my issues. It’s not that I don’t have “friends”. But, those who really care are only a few (less than the number of fingers I have on one hand!). 🙂

At the end of the day, after some thought, self-pity and what not, I have come to realize that persistence is the key to anything in life, and each time I fail, I somehow motivate myself by different means after I am done feeling dejected. This time too, I need to do the same. I need to be persistent. With persistence, no matter what my goals are, I shall increase my chances of achieving them in life…

Royal Enfield Himalayan – 2 weeks of ownership

I would be pretty frank here; I am not that big a fan of the brand Royal Enfield. I’ve always thought about them as heavy & slow motorcycles which require a lot of maintenance, something which I do not quite understand. I am someone who needs his motorcycle to be ‘ready to ride’ whenever, wherever I’d want to.

So, when I got a call from Royal Enfield about riding the Himalayan and keeping her for a period of almost 4 weeks or 1 month, I was taken a little aback, but accepted the offer happily. You see, the Himalayan is unlike any other motorcycle that RE has ever created. It looks smashing, undoubtedly, and the 411cc engine as I discovered is really nice.

It has now been 14 days (give or take a day or two) that I’ve been riding her, and in this period, I have ridden close to 550kms in city. I am yet to check her highway capabilities, but I think even on the highways, the bike should perform beautifully. On papers, 24.5bhp might not sound too much, especially given the fact that it has got a ‘big’ 400cc engine, but don’t let the figures fool you. The torque is fantastic, and it makes sure you can putter around town at 40km/hr. in 5th gear. On top of that, the commanding view that you get while on that super comfy saddle of the Himalayan is something that one needs to experience to be able to really appreciate. The front sports a big 19-inch wheel while the rear does with 17. But, the most important question which I’ve been getting all through these 2 weeks of riding from people all around me is, “kitna deti hai” (What is the fuel efficiency?). Well, I’ve been getting anywhere between 22 and 27km/litre depending on how I ride the Himalayan, which for me is more than satisfactory.

Yes, there are certain niggles which I am not too happy about, like the gear-box is one of the worst ‘boxes I’ve ever come across. Shifting from 1st to 2nd is a pain, and I completely believe finding an oasis in the middle of a vast desert would be much easier than finding neutral on the Royal Enfield Himalayan. Also, it has started leaking oil, and that is something which disappoints me BIG time, especially because I’ve had her for hardly 500kms. When I picked up the bike from RE office, it had 2700kms on the odo. So, I don’t see any reason whatsoever for a brand new machine to start leaking oil. But then again, it’s an RE thing, I guess.

 

Overall though, I cannot help but be satisfied with the overall experience till now. Yes, the niggles does irritate me at times, but when I look at the Himalayan as a package, it brings a smile on my face for sure. I am not sure I can suggest anyone the Himalayan with all my heart, but if you are looking for a motorcycle which is super-comfortable and does what it is pretty much meant to do, then, by all means go with the Himalayan.

I shall share a small vlog and more pictures as I spend more time with the white beauty…

From the Land of Lama

I’ve been to Ladakh on a few occasions earlier, but somehow every-time I go there, I discover something new, something exciting, something which I’ve never discovered on my earlier trips. And generally, I prefer driving to Ladakh instead of just comfortably taking a flight and landing in Leh. Driving/ ridng to the place makes you see a myriad of things and makes you experience a lot. You get to see different places, you get to meet new people on your way (and hopefully make friends), and ofcourse, you get to do it all at your own leisure.

Well, this post isn’t really the travelogue so to speak, but more of a prologue to what is to come – a proper full-blown travelogue and photographs about Ladakh and ofcourse the short travel film about #Ladakh which I’m editing as I type this. That would take about 2 more weeks to complete; till then, I would like you all to look through these few pictures and a small video which I managed to film, and is dedicated to the friends that I’ve lost.

The following are just a few pictures which I wanted to share. The rest shall be shared with the travel-story, and also IN the film that I’m editing right now. 🙂 Till then, please enjoy these.