I saw him cry…

Yes, I did witness him cry. Just now, moments back. He was looking at a framed family photograph when I was a kid, and just looking at that picture and speaking about when was this taken, his eyes went moist.

When you are young, you always feel your parents are absolutely invincible. For you, they are the “super-hero dads” and “wonder woman moms”. They can fix bruised knees, and any pain that you have with magical kisses. It’s like they make food appear out of nowhere and can turn the “evil monsters” lurking under the bed into whimsical fairy-dust. They are stronger than anything. They are invincible, immortal, untouchable. They just do not get hurt and their word is the law.

My dad has been an Army man and is physically fit even at the age of 70+. He is disciplined, organized, systematic, logical, energetic & sacrificing. I really have forever admired him for his intelligence & personality.

But after looking at his moist eyes, I wish I could just hug him. He started crying before even completing the sentence. My dad cried – the unbreakable, indomitable, rock-steady father that I envisioned to be a super-hero all my life had tears in his eyes. I felt it was more than just moist eyes – it was a painful release. I wished to support him, this time I wated to be the rock, the immortal, immovable, steadfast being. But looking at him, tears started to roll out of my eyes too inspite of all my efforts to control myself and support him.

I realized that my supr-hero dad is only human. An incredible, generous, loving, intelligent man. He has the same hopes & dreams, the same fears and drives and pains that anyone else has. He is a human, after all.

Frames from Sikkim || 2017

Sikkim has always been on my travel diary but somehow it eluded me for years.

Finally, during the month of June 2017, I finally could visit this amazing state. And what I saw literally blew me away. Sikkim is green, clean and all organic (the first & only state in this country!). It is so easy to fall in love with the place that one can’t help but marvel at the amazing natural beauty and the lush sub-tropical woodlands. Words will never be able to do justice to the place.

So, I present a few frames from Sikkim. I hope this gives you the motivation to pack your bags and leave. Sikkim is love. Sikkim is pure magic.

I failed. Again!

 

Tonight, I had slept early. Maybe I was tired or just wanted to rest, I am not sure. But, I fell asleep with the phone in my hand as is generally the case. If I am home, the phone is my friend and gives me constant company when I am not working. And then, an email notification suddenly woke me about 15 minutes back.

I failed tonight. Again. For the Nth time in my life, and each time I fail I lose a little bit of me. You see, a big project that I was working on and was absolutely sure I shall get to do, slipped through my hand tonight. Those 5 lines of email jolted me out of my peaceful sleep like an earthquake would! It’s not that such things haven’t happened in the past. Being in the creative industry, I have faced such failures time & again, but each time it happens, it feels like the first time. The result, essentially, is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, I fall back and go into deep self-critical role. And THEN, it becomes absolutely impossible and difficult to let go of all that negativity – the negative energy that I feel right at this moment about it all as I pen these words down (or rather, type this down).

As demotivated as I am right now, I think I need to boost my morale by building self-acceptance and through this blog post, I want to help everyone who has ever been through failure in their respective lives. I think, when we hold a negative perception of ourselves,  it is not surprising to feel lost, defeated and like a huge failure in life. Each obstacle, mistake or failure can seem like proof of what we already know, that we won’t succeed and that it is not okay. What we need to do when we feel demotivated or depressed is we need to learn to give priority to ourselves and value ourselves We need to focus on valuing who we are and NOT what you do.

During all these years working as a creative professional, I’ve also come to realize that when we look to our accomplishments for validations of whether we are “worthy” or not, our sense of feeling good about ourselves depends completely on those achievements of life, which, frankly speaking, is a little too harsh.

Yes, I feel terribly upset tonight, yes, I feel dejected & like I’ve failed big time but I also know that with self-acceptance and identifying the issues, I will be fine. I would, at this point in time, love to brag about having truly supportive & compassionate friends but truth be told – they are more like ‘acquaintances’ than friends; I have absolutely NO true friends whom I can fully trust or be open with about my issues. It’s not that I don’t have “friends”. But, those who really care are only a few (less than the number of fingers I have on one hand!). 🙂

At the end of the day, after some thought, self-pity and what not, I have come to realize that persistence is the key to anything in life, and each time I fail, I somehow motivate myself by different means after I am done feeling dejected. This time too, I need to do the same. I need to be persistent. With persistence, no matter what my goals are, I shall increase my chances of achieving them in life…

Covid Has Finished it All. Or Has it?

For the longest time possible, I have been someone who cannot help but look at the brighter side of life. Be it my failed relationships over the years, professional work life or anything else for that matter, I have forever believed, whatever destiny has in store, is mostly for good. So much so, that when Covid 19 hit the world by a massive surprise, I was, like everyone else all across the globe, shocked and after the initial shock died down, and the entire world went into months of lockdown, I was slowly prepared for what to come.

I knew, a lot of us would struggle financially, work-wise and a lot of other unforeseen events would happen. And that is exactly what happened – people lost their jobs, things turned real nasty. But, looking at the brighter side of life, I was glad that the lockdowns were being slowly being lifted and probably, maybe, we will start finding work and would be able to take care of our families and ourselves as well. The initial struggle did happen, no doubt. But, then work started to come, slowly but surely. I was hopeful and happy that although things could never be 100% same (pre Corona), but atleast even this “new normal” wasn’t something that we needed to curse.

And then, it happened! The 2nd wave hit the world and India and everything went down the drain. This wave has been absolutely terrible. It has affected everyone around me. A lot of my friends have been affected; either they were down with Covid or their families were. A lot of people I knew personally lost their lives. It is just sadness and a grim situation, no matter where I look – online or offline, all we get to hear on a daily basis are uncontrollable death and spread of the virus.

During the 2nd week of April, I also came down with a mild fever (99F), to which I suspected was Covid. Ofcourse, as expected, I couldn’t get the tests done because of the huge pressure on the entire medical system of the country. My tests, which I scheduled were automatically cancelled atleast 3 times, and I just gave up. Ofcourse, I had isolated myself inside my room from the day I started to feel feverish and instantly started with the recommended medicines that I had heard were working. I also consulted a couple of doctors online and they strictly suggested me to start meds from day 1.

Ofcourse, I am okay now (and hence I am able to post this blog tonight as I cannot sleep), and the fever abated after 4 days of being a constant 99F. I showed no other symptoms though. So, I am still confused whether it was indeed Covid or a flu. But, what concerns me at this point of time in my life is work. I’ve no work at all, and whatever projects were lined up were all but cancelled. So, practically, I have exactly zero projects in my hands and with the situation not getting any better in Delhi or in the country as a whole, it is only going to get worse from bad.

I am so financially broke that I am not even able to order a pack of coffee online (of which I am a huge lover!). I just realized as I went online onto Blue Tokai coffee’s website that I couldn’t even afford Rs.830/- for my coffee and a pack of filter paper! It is sad and depressing, but like I’ve said, I am someone who thinks positive and tries to look at the silver lining.

I have hope. Hope that things will eventually be better. Hope that the value of human life would be understood by a country who is, right now, seems least bothered. Hope that work will follow and so will some sort of financial stability. Till then, I am thankful that I and my loved ones and close friends are doing alright. And holding on. For that is all that’s required as of now. Ofcourse, apart from masking up all the time and properly sanItizing ourselves…

Is it Really so Hard to Find Love?

Let me clear one simple thing at the outset – being single isn’t a curse and being in a relationship isn’t a cure-all. No matter what stage of life you’re in, it’s important to take a look at your own personality type—to look at the habits and choices that are helping you and the ones that are hurting you.

I’ve come to realize, over the past few years, most women are usually at one extreme or the other – either, desperate and willing to put up with anything, or too picky and unwilling to “settle” for anything less than their dream man.

It’s OK to have standards and to have an idea of the kind of guy you want to be with, but it’s also important to be a little flexible and realize that you might not get every single thing you want, and that doesn’t mean you’re “settling” or compromising.

Maybe you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe you think his hobbies are lame. This all might be true, but it’s important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and who he is might be a really wonderful, kind, caring person.

When you open your mind just a bit, you might find yourself very pleasantly surprised! ♥️

Can Depressed People Love

As someone who have had deep depression, let me say that with a resounding “YES”, we can and do love. Love is as important to us as to anyone else. At times when I have been suicidal, it has kept me from committing the act of killing myself. I loved either my family or someone very specific too much to put them through the inevitable horror of finding my dead, lifeless body and the impossible “Why?” that follows.

Having seen the aftermath of suicides in families, I know I could not hurt my loved ones like that. That does not mean I was somehow better than people who do kill themselves. It’s just that fortunately I have seen and felt the circumstances where people are abnormally sensitive to depression, as such I have yet to have an episode or bout of depression so severe that it robs me of my capacity to logically think out my actions and consider alternatives. In other circumstances I may have killed myself, and the possibility that I could one day do it, is never off the table.

One thing to remember about a person with depression is that they are someone with a disease. Think of it like diabetes, but for the brain. Some people do not know they have it. Unless a depressed person has some other problem inhibiting the capacity to form deep connections, they are capable of, and do have relationships.

However, it’s important to remember, a depressed brain is not a logical one, and it is also inherently self-centered. I hate that term because it has a moral judgement tied to it, but it is true. That’s how depression affects the brain. It makes it much, much harder to feel for the sadness of others. In my experience, during a deep bout of sadness, you view other people as more capable than you of feeling joy, and so if they are sad it’s a passing state, where as yours is perpetual because you reach an emotionally “grey” state. It’s very hard to explain. You don’t become sad. It’s almost like emotional television static going on all the time. Sadness can be overcome, but bad depression is like an emotional void. Empty but negative.

I’m giving you this as a frame of reference, since it’s what I as a depressed person know. But everyone has different experiences. It’s very, very hard for someone in a severe suicidal bout to be supportive of loved ones, or receptive to love.

Depressed people do love, and we need love to survive. It can’t always keep us from our darkest places, and if we do make sad decisions like suicide, it genuinely has nothing to do with the lack of love. We are just people fighting battles you cannot always see or guess.

Some of us can hide things astoundingly well. Sometimes we win our battles, sometimes, we lose. It depends on the person, but yes, we are like other people and we love, but sometimes our illnesses can rob us of our capacity to cognitively recognize or express that… 💞

What Is Wrong!?

The world is changing as we know it. With more than 2 months gone in lockdown, it goes unsaid that things aren’t the same anymore and it won’t be same ever. Be it our mental health or the ‘health’ of the jobs that we have been doing, nothing will be the same ever again.

And since, in this blog post, I have decided to open up, let me give you a brief insight into my life right now, in May, 2020. I’ve no work (literally, ZERO), no money in my bank a/c and no matter how many phone-calls or emails I shoot, nothing seems to be working out. All I get as a ‘reply’ is either, “We’ll get back to you with work related query.”, or worse yet, no reply at all.

Frankly, I am not the kind of guy who generally discusses my problems with people, for I believe, everyone has their own share of issues and my issues are something that nobody would really be interesting in hearing. I don’t understand, whether to call it sheer bad luck or the fact that I’m cursed, but nothing seems to be working out in my favour at all.

Take, for example, the car window that was damaged for no apparent reason at all, when there were atleast 4 other bigger cars there parked right besides my car. Still, my small hatchback was targeted. For what? Next, I’ve been running pillar to post to get my Axis bank debit card to be renewed that expired back in the month of April, 2020. But, NOTHING has been done with regards to that either. The bank executives say, generally, they send a message or two well before a card expiration date (which, I agree to), but they fail to understand how I did not receive any message at all.

Plus, the fact that no new ATM card has yet been issue to my account is beyond even their comprehension. Earlier today, I paid my home-branch (which is a whole 20kms. from where my home is) a second visit in the last 7 days, and although I am generally a very optimistic guy, but here, I am absolutely hopeless! I know, for sure that I’d receive a call in a day or two mentioning that my ATM card couldn’t be issued because of some God forsaken reason!

I did not quite believe in luck or destiny before all this Coronavirus pandemic hit us all. Even then, I thoroughly believed in thinking ahead and thinking positive. But, I am slowly breaking down, to the point where I’m just letting everything go. It is not like I am losing hope or I am veering towards depression. Far from that, as a matter of fact. It’s just that strange feeling – the one where you stop arguing, or fighting for even what’s right. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of feeling I am having since the past couple of weeks or so.

I’ve no idea what the future holds for all of us, or for the entire mankind as a whole, but I really want all of us to be at a place from where we can look ahead and see a world where we can live and thrive. Right now, as I see it, every single day is such a massive struggle – right from pushing myself out of the bed to doing everything on a daily basis – every single task feels like an absolute chore, which I despise.

I’ve not had proper food for the past 2 and a half days now. There have been a lot of issues on the family front as well, that’s breaking me from within. But, you know what is the funniest thing in all this? That I cannot even show it to the outer world, for I know it is just no worth it!

Hallucinating…

Tonight, I tried it, but failed miserably at it. Am I a coward? Perhaps. I don’t know whether there is anything known as an “easy death”, but I think death is not really the end of the suffering. I understand and totally know that this brings with it a lot of unanswered questions & a lot of unsaid answers to the family, friends and whoever that might have known you, but there are moments when it all just gets a little too much to handle.

Things haven’t been too well. Life hasn’t been well, but then again whose life is? It feels like a struggle each day from the moment I wake up till the time I sleep, it feels like a chore… Don’t know how long this will go on for. I’m not even sure how long would I be able to hold on for.

Am I hallucinating?

Sad…Hopeless…Worthless…

It feels like I am drowning, except everyone around me is breathing. The pain comes in waves & keeps piercing my mind and dragging me down to the depths, almost choking me.

I don’t know or understand if this is how sadness or depression feels like, but this is exactly how I feel. I’m lucky that I have that ability to pen down how I feel, in words. But, this deep sadness, this deep sense of loss has hit me hard. If you meet me, I might not even come out as a person who can be or who is, infact, terribly sad and broken from within. On the contrary, you might feel, I am one of the most happiest persons you’ve ever met!

From what I know, depression isn’t something tangible. You see, when you’re physically hurt, you can see the injury, treat it and hopefully be done with it. But, it isn’t the case with mental hurt. It stays and buries deep down into your psyche, and then slowly hits you, takes you into its stride, grabs you and just doesn’t let you go.

I don’t understand it, nor do I wish to fight it anymore. I’m tired. All I seeked was companionship, love and a little bit of affection. But that shall never be the case with my life, with me. Never. I know now, for sure. I’m absolutely sure…

My fate, whatever be it, I am accepting it for this is how life is perhaps deciding to treat me…

Until we meet again…

Emptiness & Abandonment

I haven’t written in a while, not because I did not have anything to share, but because I felt, sharing it all with the world, putting my emotions “out there” meant being vulnerable.

But, tonight, I feel this strange sense of emptiness, a void, if you will. Although, we all feel “empty” time to time because of reasons known and unknown, but this sense of void and inner emptiness is something which drives people to the extremes. Your ego-wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame — that you are intrinsically flawed.

I know it all, but when it comes to being emotionally strong, I know I am breaking down. Bit by bit. And it isn’t a pleasant feeling at all. I’ve never really been someone who would openly discuss this with friends or family, for that matter. But I feel tonight is really a tough night.

It is almost like I feel numb, maybe because of the myriad emotions running through my head; all at the same time. I can now see why people, who perhaps feel like me start substance abuse. Perhaps, it “helps” them in giving a false sense of relief. But, I feel, when you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by letting them stay in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.

Like I said, emptiness is a very dangerous emotion and I feel it tonight. I totally do…

Asking For Love…

I should have held you tighter in my arms during your worst days to keep your pieces together. I should have held your hands longer to keep them warm in this rather cold world. I should have caught up with you, tried to walk side by side with you, just to make you feel that you will always have someone to walk this world with.

I should have tried harder to learn the art of finding the right distance, to make sure that I will not be too close to suffocate you and not too far to make you feel like you are alone because, my love, you will always have me.

I should have stared at your face a little longer that night when all we did was be happy, when all we did was be us. I should have ingrained every detail of everything you are into my mind and heart.

My love, with all the goodness that remains in my heart, I hope you find your way back to yourself again…💕

Brewing Romance…

It’s a hot summers Wednesday evening. She is sitting in this beautiful little coffee shop. It’s probably her alone time after office or something, I couldn’t tell, really.

She hears him before she sees him. The door opens. The tiny bell hung above it rings, signaling his presence. She looks up from her Cappuccino and laptop at the soft noise and the burst of air coming through. She stops her work, almost spilling her hot coffee all over her in the process.
He takes off his shoulder bag and looks around. His dark-rimmed glasses make him seem just a bit more sophisticated than he perhaps really is. He has taken on the style of the big metropolitian city after all.

He walks up to the barista and orders his coffee of choice. She couldn’t hear him well enough to really decipher what he likes to drink. His eyes scan around the seemingly empty coffee shop, feeling as if someone is watching him. His gaze falls upon her, observing him from across the room. His eyes look at her for a second or two and then move on.

His name is suddenly called by the barista and their staring contest finally breaks…

Broken…

I feel rejected. I feel numb, it feels like my sense of self and balance is absolutely gone. Life has its share of hardships but rejection and in-turn revenge are extremely hard to cope with. Since the past few days, I have been struggling really bad with anxiety and to some extent panic attacks. I am all alone and dealing with this extremely jolting pain all by myself is getting out of hand, slowly and I can feel it. And the worst part is, as much as I want to get it out, but I cannot even share with anyone. Anyone at all. I am broken. From within. Shattered.

I feel like I am caught up in the stormy brain chemistry of rejection and loss where I feel zero self-worth and I am almost on the verge of depression. I feel I am not needed, and I have no worth or value for anyone in my life. I already am having a lot of anxiety, a feeling of addiction and deprivation, plus an overwhelming drive to finish this life altogether. I want to combat the real emotional pain of rejection and loss, but the struggle that life has become is making it impossible for me to just hold on to life itself.

I feel like a needy fool. This ordeal is just gutting me inside out. I feel like I am going down the drain and I cannot help it. I feel rejected, sad and total loss of self-belief and love. I feel broken…